illustration  by Harry Campbell


“Share the Road”—and that’s an order! The message is printed in bold letters on bright yellow signs, accompanied by a pictogram of a bicycle. Since the city planning department completed its Bicycle Master Plan in 2006, these signs have been popping up around town, along with bike lanes painted onto some streets and those lane-less bike icons, or “sharrows,” that are supposed to alert motorists to bikes ahead.

But sharing isn’t easy, particularly when we’re all in a rush. So we invited a few drivers and cyclists to sound off on why. What we found was that while both groups indulge in self-righteousness on the roads, neither is particularly well-behaved. Tales of berated bicyclists abound, but still, the ire directed at rules-flouting two-wheelers is not always undeserved, says Nate Evans, the city’s bicycle and pedestrian coordinator. “It drives me up the wall to see cyclists blow through stoplights and stop signs, and near-misses with pedestrians,” he says. “They’re just reinforcing the stereotype that angry drivers have. We want to break that cycle.”

In that spirit, we offer a little venting from both sides about what it’s like to “share the road,” and, from Evans, the rules of the road for cyclists. To throw in your two cents, e-mail editor@urbanitebaltimore.com.






Get Your Bike Off My Road

My onetime home, Portland, Oregon, is a wealth of innovative transportation solutions. One of my favorites is bike racks on the buses—a trick the MTA has recently adopted, and thank goodness. Anything to keep those things off the roads. Bicycles—like rickshaws, roller skates, and pogo sticks—are a quaint technology best left in the 1950s, or Asia.

Many folks believe there is something about two-wheeled transport that amplifies the self-righteousness in human beings, something about gravitational harmonics intermingling with the brain’s snoot receptors. But I ride a two-wheeled conveyance and have been unaffected by this blight. Of course, my two wheels came with a motor, making them fit for travel on public roads. I think a more rational explanation is that Spandex doesn’t allow excess arrogance to radiate naturally through the body and instead squeezes it out the mouth. 

By the way, I love Batman and the Power Rangers too, but I don’t feel the need to dress like a low-rent super-villain with a foam hat and tap shoes. Does all of that gear make a difference for you? This isn’t the Tour de France—it’s rush hour (or it is for the rest of us). I’ll support anything that makes you less slow, but that 3/100th of a mile-per-hour you’re gaining doesn’t seem to be worth the CFCs generated shipping your space suit from Indonesia.

Listen, I ride I-695 on a 400-pound motorcycle, surrounded by crazy cagers talking on their cell phones and text-messaging their friends to complain about the guy shaving in the Honda next to them. I understand the frustration about and danger of automobiles. But it is nothing like the exasperation of sitting behind a herd of bicycles creeping along at a pace that would anger the Amish.

When I am on the road, it’s because I am trying to get somewhere. It’s great that this is playtime for you, and you have time to kill. But some of us have places to be. Getting caught on a two-lane road behind the Wyman Park Pedalphiles or whatever you call yourselves is the first circle of hell. The rest of us are burning fifty times the fossil fuels we would otherwise and getting a head start on an aneurysm while fighting the urge to engage in enhanced passing techniques.

The cyclists will whine that bikes are a legitimate form of transportation. Well, so are kayaks, and we don’t allow those on Charles Street. I personally like to make my way around my house on an office chair using a toilet plunger as an oar. It’s clean and efficient and keeps me in shape, but I don’t think I should get my own lane on the freeway.
Ban bicycles from the roads today! If they were in a hurry, they’d be driving. So put them on the sidewalks where they can battle pedestrians. That’s a fairer fight anyway.

—Jim Meyer is a stand-up comedian, roller-derby announcer, Hampdenite, and core member of Thee Unholy Swarm Motorcycle Gang



Of Darwin and Idiot Drivers

Dear Jerk:
Asking a question that requires neurons in your lizard-sized brain to fire is probably a waste of time, but here goes anyway: Why did you thrust a beefy arm out the car window and strike me while I was laboring up steep Hilltop Road near Patapsco State Park? Coward that you are, you sped off.

I was enraged but not surprised. Virtually all of the idiot drivers I’ve encountered are, like you, young and male. Most follow the same playbook: They yell “F--- you!”, flash a middle finger, and drive on. Because not a single offender has ever stopped to offer an explanation, I can only speculate on the possible motivations:

•  They’re angry because they just flunked a high school GED exam by misspelling “cat.”

•  The sight of a man in Spandex inspires doubts about their sexuality that they can resolve only by uttering the main two words in their vocabulary.

•  Bud Light prices have shot up, limiting their daily intake so much they suffer unpredictable withdrawal symptoms.

Back to you, Jerk. I know you won’t see this because you don’t read anything classier than a liquor store price list. If I could talk to you, it would be to express this thought: Fear Darwin. You are an evolutionary anomaly, having nothing in common with the vast majority of drivers who pass me safely and civilly, sometimes with a five-fingered wave. One day, your type will be extinct.

—John Fairhall is a former Baltimore Sun editor currently working at a nonprofit news organization in Washington, D.C. He lives in Catonsville and rides a black 2008 Trek Madone 5.2.




Good Bikeways Make Good Neighbors

I appreciate my car as much as the next person. I thrill in my ability to get in my petroleum-powered, 3,000-pound hunk of metal and plastic and ride from my home to that secluded spot at the beach or in the mountains in the course of a few hours. How fortunate I am to be able to travel so efficiently! But efficient transportation means different things in different environments. In the city, most drivers are trying to get from point to point, usually less than five miles away, and they spend more time braking for stop signs or sitting at traffic lights than taking advantage of their vehicles’ ability to devour great distances at high speeds.

Bikes are better suited for urban transportation. Businesses recognize this reality; just look at bike messengers. They know bikes can more efficiently navigate distances in an urban environment than a car can. We all know about that crazy bike messenger careening between lanes, running red lights, totally disrespecting traffic law and thumbing his nose at cars. But drivers can be just as ill-mannered.

One early afternoon, I was riding south on Guilford Avenue, where there are four lanes, all going in the same direction. I was riding as far right as possible when from behind me there came a sudden, sustained honking. (Some say it is polite to tap your horn when coming up behind a biker to let them know you’re there. But this was no “tap,” and I’m not a fan of the idea anyway.) It was a psycho woman in a minivan speaking on a cell phone, still finding the time to mouth “Get off the road!” through the rolled-up window as she leaned on the horn.

Another time, I was honked at while riding north on Washington Street, crossing the intersection onto St. Lo Drive in Clifton Park, by a car that was running a red light. Apparently I was in the way.

I am not a supporter of “sharing the road,” however. Putting bikeways on the roads in the same lanes as cars, as Baltimore currently does, is clearly not a viable solution. There is not enough space for cars to pass by bikes safely. Add to that parked cars pulling out or opening doors, cars pulling in to park roadside, double-parked cars and loading trucks, and buses pulling in and out, and even the experienced biker has a lot to pay attention to. It would be safer for everyone—even the crazy, careening bike messengers—if we had clearly marked bikeways that were respected by traffic laws. These are what we urbanites ought to be getting impassioned about. Let’s try to unclutter our urban environment and plan safe, convenient, healthy, and much more efficient alternatives to car transportation!

—Rolla Chng, a former civil engineer, spent five years as a business owner of the Cadet Taekwondo martial arts academy.


What’s with cyclists anyway?

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with people getting exercise, but really, do you have to do it in the street? You don’t own the roads. I own the roads. I pay taxes, and you cyclists don’t. And don’t go trying to raise the gas tax or put in more toll roads to pay for roads. I pay enough as it is.

 

If you cyclists have to get exercise, do what I do and get an exercise machine and stick it in the basement. If you are trying to lose weight, go on a diet like normal people. I lose 5 or 10 pounds every time I go on a diet—no big deal. (I gain it right back again, but that’s a different story.)

 

Hang on a sec, I got a call—Hey Joe! What’s up? … Yeah, I am on my way over. Sure, I’ll pick up some beer and snacks for the game tonight. … I might be late. Traffic is a mess. [Sound of honking] Same to you, buddy! See what I mean? It’s a real zoo out here. See ya when I see ya—OK, back to you, cyclist. The problem with cyclists is that they take their dear sweet time going places. I have places to go, and I don’t go around holding everyone up while I smell the roses. It’s a real problem. I drive 10 to 15 miles per hour over the speed limit, and when I come upon a cyclist it can be real scary.

 

Cyclists should be required to get a license to bike, just like drivers—Oh, what’s up with that? Move it,0 buddy! Hang up and drive!—Geez, some people can’t chew gum and drive at the same time … but anyway, where was I? Driver’s license, yeah, what a joke. Twenty questions that I could have answered with my eyes closed. No wonder we have the kind of drivers we do on the roads. But cyclists, they’re the real problem. Just look at this clown on a bike. I’m stuck in traffic, and he just whizzes by. He’s probably going to run the next red light too.

 

Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up some things for the party tonight, so I’ll just double-park here while I run in. Cyclist, please don’t block the car lanes, OK?

 

—Commercial software developer and “appropriate transportation” activist Barry Childress can been seen riding his SUB (Sport Utility Bike) all over central Maryland.What’s with cyclists anyway?

 

 

What’s with cyclists anyway?

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with people getting exercise, but really, do you have to do it in the street? You don’t own the roads. I own the roads. I pay taxes, and you cyclists don’t. And don’t go trying to raise the gas tax or put in more toll roads to pay for roads. I pay enough as it is.

If you cyclists have to get exercise, do what I do and get an exercise machine and stick it in the basement. If you are trying to lose weight, go on a diet like normal people. I lose 5 or 10 pounds every time I go on a diet—no big deal. (I gain it right back again, but that’s a different story.)

Hang on a sec, I got a call—Hey Joe! What’s up? … Yeah, I am on my way over. Sure, I’ll pick up some beer and snacks for the game tonight. … I might be late. Traffic is a mess. [Sound of honking] Same to you, buddy! See what I mean? It’s a real zoo out here. See ya when I see ya—OK, back to you, cyclist. The problem with cyclists is that they take their dear sweet time going places. I have places to go, and I don’t go around holding everyone up while I smell the roses. It’s a real problem. I drive 10 to 15 miles per hour over the speed limit, and when I come upon a cyclist it can be real scary.

Cyclists should be required to get a license to bike, just like drivers—Oh, what’s up with that? Move it,0 buddy! Hang up and drive!—Geez, some people can’t chew gum and drive at the same time … but anyway, where was I? Driver’s license, yeah, what a joke. Twenty questions that I could have answered with my eyes closed. No wonder we have the kind of drivers we do on the roads. But cyclists, they’re the real problem. Just look at this clown on a bike. I’m stuck in traffic, and he just whizzes by. He’s probably going to run the next red light too.

Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up some things for the party tonight, so I’ll just double-park here while I run in. Cyclist, please don’t block the car lanes, OK?

—Commercial software developer and “appropriate transportation” activist Barry Childress can been seen riding his SUB (Sport Utility Bike) all over central Maryland.

Slow and Steady

About a year ago, I was driving up Calvert Street from the courthouse to University Parkway. Just past Mercy Hospital, five guys on bikes blocked the two driving lanes. The two parking lanes were full. These guys spread out so no autos could pass, pedaling at just a tick under the speed limit. Behind them were some of the most aggressive drivers you will ever meet, blowing their horns and screaming and cursing. But the bikers held their line.

If you know anything about Calvert Street, you know that the traffic lights are synchronized during rush hour. You can go from the courthouse to Union Memorial Hospital without stopping. But you must go slow.

On this day, drivers were swerving at the bikes. One threw a water bottle. One actually tried to bump a bike. The drivers were complaining, but they were also getting to each light as it changed to green. The bikers were going at just the right speed. They went over twenty blocks and did not have to stop at a red light.

At University Parkway, the bikers turned off and let the traffic pass. I laughed all the way home. —Longtime Hampden resident Jim Kemp, a welder fitter by trade, has a deep passion for motor sports, from races at the old Westport Stadium to the big tracks of Nascar.





ROAD RULES

You probably know these—at least, you should—but clearly it bears repeating. Nate Evans, Baltimore City Bicycle and Pedestrian Coordinator, offers a quick refresher in Urban Biking 101. For more information, go to www.ci.baltimore.md.us/government/transportation/ and click on “Bike Baltimore” in the left column, or e-mail nate.evans@baltimorecity.gov.

1. Always ride with (in the same direction as) car traffic.

2. Stay off the sidewalk. It’s illegal to bike on the sidewalk in Baltimore.

3. Obey all traffic signs and signals, just as you would in a car.

4. Ride 4 feet away from parked cars to avoid being “doored.”

5. When it’s safe, keep right to allow faster traffic to pass.

6. Use eye contact and hand signals to communicate with drivers.

7. Use a headlamp or bike lights and rear reflectors at night.

8. Wear a helmet and bright clothing for safety.





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